I am tired and grateful

I’m in a season
of travel and work.
Planes will be my vehicle for the next 6 months.
My commute is a 6-hour plane ride.
I live within the walls of 2 homes—
One a tiny apartment in the city,
The other a house with a yard.

I choose mostly not to think too deeply
on the struggle of it—
The time change,
The hours on a plane,
The missing of my family.

I choose mostly to see the blessings and the good.

When I became mother 15 years ago, I asked
my husband to put the alarm clock in another room.
I didn’t want the red lights telling me the time
while I tried to sleep with the baby next to me.
Focusing on time made me crazy as a new mama, so I threw it out and lived in surrender.

A good friend dropped her daughter off at my house for a sleepover with my girl yesterday.
As we chatted at the front door and I told her I’d be flying out the next morning,
She said
That’s a lot
You must be tired?

I said yes
But quickly interjected—
But I’m so grateful to be working.

She said
You can be tired and grateful

::yes I can be tired and grateful
And so can you.

As a new mom I never wanted to admit that I was tired in fear that someone would criticize the way I was doing it.
I didn’t feel safe to share those hard bits,
In part because i was afraid it would spiral me down and i wanted to be my best for my children.
I was also deeply aware of how lucky I was to be holding my baby as I knew women who were grieving loss.

I was so very grateful and very tired.

I am so very grateful
and tired.

The news has worn me out
My Instagram feed
Has worn me out.

Times are challenging, and as much as I chose to focus on the good in my life, I feel my heart breaking daily.
Collective heartbreak,
Collective gratitude.

I want to be able to hold the space for the growth we are in
As a culture.
Holding the space includes holding it for myself.

The process is brutal and hard to take, but i believe on some level that we are all waking up to see the dysfunction that has always been there—and with that awakening come a lot of feelings.

So as I do this travel and work,
I will stand in the uncomfortable place of not-knowing.
I will surrender and find refuge when I can, and I will keep on keeping up.

I will face each day rooted in my practice.
I will reach in for my creativity.
I will keep my heart open.
I will use my voice to soothe and activate.
I will connect to my intuition so that I’m not blasted by outside forces.
I am fierce and I am grace
And I am a mother.

And I am tired and grateful.

I am grounded and walking in circles
I am deeply connected and lost at sea
I am many things—
And within the truth of that,
I feel free.

 

Love,
Carrie-Anne