Following my heart

I am a child sitting in the backseat of my parents car.

We are driving to my great grandparents’ home—a magical place with an old house  and a barn with acres to run on filled with treasures to find, at least in the eyes of a child. An old trunk filled with clothes from the 40's and 50's enraptured me every time.

The stories of my great grandfather's race horse by the name of Star (because of the star shape between her brow) captivated my imagination and I heard the story again and again. I wrote plays that my cousins performed in; I begged my super successful great uncle to be my manager because he drove a bright yellow sports car.

When I was a child, I was bored a lot.
Because of that boredom I dreamed big time.

When I was a child I was loved deeply.
Because of that love I have always believed in myself.

When I was child I was respected by my mother.
Because of that respect I have respected myself and others.

I am a young woman sitting on a park bench in Vancouver.
I have just seen a movie that inspired me.
I decide, looking out at the beauty of my homeland, that I will change my life.
Right there, right in that moment.
I make a decision that alters my life.
I move from my hometown and begin traveling.
The momentum creates energy and that energy feels good and so I do what I must.
I follow my heart.
I follow the energy.

I am 28 years old
[right at my saturn return, I recognize now]
I am in the bath relaxing, as I have a big audition for a job that I am not sure of.
I have just had a conversation with the producer of the show who shares his vision.
He talks integrity and depth.
I decide to do it and participate in the final audition process called testing. I decide that perhaps a film career is not in my cards and that a  television career is pretty darn good—this is before TV was what we think of it now—and besides, I have rent to pay and bills to pay.

The phone rings and my team is on a 3 way call with me.
My manager (my angel) Elizabeth says to my lawyer,
“Bob, you tell her.”
“Carrie-Anne,” he says,
“For the audition tomorrow the producers have asked that you dress…” (he takes a pause and says) …”sexier.”
Out of my mouth with no pause is
“Are you sure?” he asks.
Again I say,

The young girl who was loved and respected speaks loud and clear.
This decision again alters the course of my life.
When suddenly, because I don't have a commitment to this show, I am available to audition for a movie called the Matrix.
I think about my childhood so much and how so much of it informs everything I am.
I also grieve that doing what I do for work has taken me far from my roots.
Traveling for work so much makes being at home with my children a priority over going back to my original home (Vancouver) to be with my original family, my mother.
It’s complicated.
I know it is for so many of us.
I may not live in the sweet co-op where my mom and I spent my teen years,
or the house in Burnaby where I spent my early childhood...
But those places,
those experiences shaped all that I am.

When I look at my journey so far and at all of the people i have known and loved, 
I bow to the pieces of each of them that live within me.