Intimacy: 1: a state marked by emotional closeness 2: a quality suggesting closeness or warmth 3: something that is very personal or private
Intimacy :: What a great word. It conjures up images of romance and sensuality: partners looking at each other, eye to eye—seeing into each other. Perfectly dressed couples walking hand in hand, knowing what each other need while a song plays in the background that makes everything okay...
Many of us have been brainwashed to think intimacy comes only in the moments of desire and passion. We grew up watching movies and reading books steeped in romantic ideals. As adults we find it difficult to accept the reality of our lives. As we wait for the dream life to kick in we long for more-but more what? So many of us looking outside of ourselves for this connection- this intimacy. We ache for it and while we live in a state of disappointment of the real of life- we are the perfect prey to the idea that if we consume the products that are for sale- that THEN we will love our lives. The new house the fancy car the fabulous shoes. Yet we all know that nothing we can buy will feed the hunger that we all have collectively. The ache we have is for connection- for intimacy -with ourselves and with our lives
I want to be intimate with all the parts of my life. Not just the exciting-fun- sparkly bits, but with the not so pretty, on my knees in tears parts too. I want intimacy with my husband my partner and to see him in front of me, not just as a part of US and the father of my children- but as the man he is today. I want to see my children as unique human beings who have a purpose here that has very little to do with me. I want to see my mother as the woman she has become and not the woman I knew as a little girl. I crave intimacy at the grocery store with the clerk there who is fostering two young girls who have had a hard time. I choose her check-out line because I want to know how it's going and where she is at.
I want intimacy with myself. So that I can know what is really going on when I start to slide. My needs are different today. I am different today. How can I tend to myself as I would one of my children If I haven't taken the time to connect with myself. Knowing myself and who I am becoming is a dance that takes effort and attention. Intimacy takes courage and bravery to let go of the masks and the ways of being that protect me from being true and vulnerable.
I've had to let go of friendships that once had great intimacy. So hard to walk away- but sometimes that is what we do indeed need. Intimacy is beautiful and- at times super complicated. Often intimacy feels so effortless and other times unbearable. I choose the simple and beautiful with the real-life stuff knitted in. I am not afraid to go through the grime and difficult conversations. I still grieve for friendships I once had that needed to be let go. This is part of the truth of who I am and the imperfection of my journey.
I cried in the kitchen last night. All was good & I was laughing, and a random act of not-so-niceness directed at me sent me into a version of myself that wasn't so pretty. Tears were flowing and because I have been here before- I know that they were tears not just for this moment- but for all the stress and pains I was carrying for days. My eldest son said, "It's okay mom, everything is okay." I never want my kids to feel they need to take care of me but I suppose it happens anyway when we share ourselves so intimately with the people in our lives. When we don't hide our joys and our pains. When we share ourselves and all the sparkly and not so sparkly bits.
Every thing is going to be okay. Yes everything will be okay. No sound track of swelling music to make that point. Just the honest- kind words of a 12 year old boy to his mama.
Yes Everything will be okay...