I will not love from a distance.

What if?

What if I loved my life with all the bits that don’t fit? The parts that make me ache and cover my head? The angst and the unknown? What if I didn't need it all to be figured out and put together and tidy and neat?

The house I live in is an old house, and we don’t own it. I often find myself walking around it thinking, “when we move I will..

  • I will have that veggie garden

  • I will create the altar in the window with green.

  • I will open my heart to settle into home.

Recently, however, I went away to work in London for two weeks. I always garner valuable perspective when I am out of my routine and regular life. I came home walked through the door of this old house and opened my heart to loving it even if it isn’t 100% perfect or “ours.” In that moment, I fell in love with this home and all that it holds for this family of 5. I hadn't noticed I was keeping this home at arm’s length—like leaving boxes in the closets, etc. I hadn't fully unpacked because I wasn't fully here.

And so: I started the tiny garden. I took down the dark curtains and put up my grandmother’s and my great grandmother's lace tablecloths in the windows. I found a few green treasures and placed them in the kitchen window and wondered how I had ever lived without them being my view each morning! As my husband said, "I poured my love into it—I brought my heart in."

I was reminded tonight of the home I spent a large part of my childhood in. I found a picture of that home to show my family as I described a memory that I hold dear to my heart. The picture was of the house with Christmas lights in the snow, and you can see the stairs leading to the front door. In that picture I could feel all the times I walked through that front door. That door was the entry into my childhood. I cried at the dinner table—not in sadness, but in great relief that the life I have lived lives within me. I am so utterly grateful to feel so much.

There are many doors we enter both physical and metaphoric. We enter space through doorways and through portals. To me, a door means so much. As my hand touches the door of our home and I open it, I look and think, “how do I feel walking through, walking in?”

May we be where we are. Stretching. Loving what is and letting go all at the same time.

Doors and windows = Heart, soul and vision.

I am here: yes, I am here. I will not love from a distance, waiting for something to change. I will love as if this is it. Because … this is it!!

This is my life, as yours is your life. May we all love where we are.

Xxxx,
Carrie-Anne